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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Defining Myself

Since reaching my weight loss goal (and leaving my husband), I have been taking time to discover who I really am. I have spent so many years molding and shaping my likes and dislikes around others that I lost track of myself. I always felt like I had to like what others liked or they wouldn't accept me.

When I look back, it sickens me that I gave up so much of me for the sake of someone else who, in the end, was never worth the sacrifice. I didn't realize just how much I gave up until I started spending time alone with myself.

It is natural for our tastes to change over time but the core of us typically remains in tact. I allowed my core to be buried because I was made to believe that what I liked was wrong if it didn't align with others.

If I really dig deep, I probably convinced myself of this belief when I was a young girl.

I wanted to fit in.

I wanted people to look beyond my weight.

Something in me has finally changed and I will no longer defend anything that helps define who I am. People can either accept me or reject me but I refuse to change for anyone again...ever. Period.

As of today, the following (in complete random order) is what I know, love, and, more importantly, accept about myself.
  • I believe in God
  • I have sinned...a lot
  • I know I am saved
  • When I see an ambulance or fire truck racing past me, I pray for the people they are going to help
  • I am a tomboy at heart but I am always a lady
  • I will put a dress on for work but you will find me wearing jeans and an old t-shirt or jersey on the weekends
  • I do not have to put on a ton of make-up and dress up to impress anyone when I go grocery shopping
  • I have high heeled shoes but I prefer to wear flats
  • I love my Converse chucks
  • I love my flip flops more
  • I don't have to drink in order to have a good time
  • I like Malibu Rum and Pineapple juice or shots of ice cold Patron when I choose to drink
  • I don't like beer (but I like apple ale or root beer, beer)
  • I am a coffee snob
  • I love to people watch
  • I love to laugh...a lot...
  • I prefer the window seat on a plane
  • A single, hand-picked flower will get you farther with me than the most expensive bouquet
  • I tear up and/or cry when watching anything that tugs at my heartstrings
  • I love to watch sports (especially football) and I yell at the TV when I watch it
  • I sing along to the music in my car but I do not do it well
  • I can sit outside at night next to a bonfire and gaze up at the stars for hours
  • I love the smell of the air after it rains
  • I love how the earth becomes silent when the snow falls
  • I prefer to watch the snow fall at night
  • I love music
  • I believe music can bring people closer together
  • My iPod does not discriminate and I have genres ranging from Christian to Rap
  • My heart has a hankerin' for southern country rock
  • I say things like "hankerin'", "eh" and "neat, neat toilet seat"
  • My favorite saying is "that's funny"
  • A man playing the fiddle makes me weak in the knees
  • A man playing the guitar makes me weak in the heart
  • I am a sucker for hot chocolate
  • I am an even bigger sucker for popcorn
  • I love to cook for others but won't cook for myself
  • When I drank soda, I was a Coke girl
  • I grew up saying 'pop' but for some reason, I now say 'soda'
  • I like onions
  • I love onion rings
  • When I want to taste something that I shouldn't eat, like onion rings, I have been known to take a bite, chew it up really good and then spit it out (don't judge takes more will power to spit it out after you start chewing)
  • I am a weener when it comes to spicy food
  • I have taken more than one swig right out of the milk jug
  • I don't need a doctor to tell me I have A.D.D....
  • Oh, look! A chicken...
  • I don't like big parties (unless it is family)
  • I have voted for both political parties
  • Don't ask me to talk politics
  • I own a Smith & Wesson M&P Compact .40 caliber pistol
  • I like to go to the gun range
  • I can hit my target
  • My favorite movie of all time is "At Close Range"
  • I will call or message a friend just to say hi
  • I love it when people call or message me to say hi
  • I read the entire Twilight series in five days (Team Edward)
  • I read the 50 Shades series in four (Laters baby)
  • I love to read
  • I love to write
  • I am writing a book
  • It is my hope to inspire others with my story
Until next time my your life as you want to live it. Don't live a lie. Be honest - with yourself and with others. Be outspoken. Embrace yourself. Embrace others. Don't let go...

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Tell Another Lie

I haven't written for several months and I apologize to my readers for that. With everything I have been going through since filing for my divorce, things have been a little ( got me...a lot) crazy but life is finally beginning to settle down and I can see the light again.

In a very quick recap of the last 4.5 months...and if you read this really quickly without breathing, you will have an idea of how I have been feeling since all of this started...
  1. I left my husband
  2. I filed for a restraining order
  3. I filed for a divorce
  4. I filed default divorce papers after husband didn't respond to initial papers
  5. Default divorce papers were rejected because I didn't white out one stinkin' line (grrrrr)
  6. Husband filed a response after my default papers were rejected (double grrrrrr)
  7. Husband violated restraining order (triple grrrrrrr)
  8. Had husband arrested (yaaayyy)
  9. Husband didn't file a declaration and divorce could not proceed without it (quadruple grrrrrrr)
  10. Filed a motion to have the declaration waved (seriously...had to pay $40 to file three pieces of paper asking the court to wave one piece...whatever comes after quadruple grrrrrr)
  11. Served husband in jail with motion request (ahahahahah)
  12. Husband got out of jail...
  13. I bought a gun (S&W M&P compact .40 cal)
  14. I moved...
  15. Went to court and motion was granted. Informed judge that husband didn't serve me with a copy of his divorce papers. Asked judge to toss his response. Judge orders husband to serve me properly within so many says and then she would toss it.
  16. Serve husband with judges orders.
  17. Husband doesn't respond...woo hoo
  18. Filed default papers again.
  19. Default papers rejected because two of the forms were outdated (have lost count of the grrrrrr's)
  20. I correct the papers and refile...again...
  21. Judge accepts and signs default papers (finally...)
  22. My divorce will be finalized on 12/3/12.
And in the middle of all of this...I had to surrender my family dog of seven years because of her violent behavior toward others, I still had to work full-time which included starting the new position I was promoted to, I had to take three business trips, plan and execute a client party (praise Jesus for my planning committee), and I had to perform an utterly, emotionally exhausting audit. No wonder I have mentally checked out of writing.

After experiencing all of this, I can tell you one thing for really do find out who your friends are. The ones who are true to you and stand by your side no matter what. I am not gonna lie...I know I have lost a few along the way. I could be sad about that but I have to take the time to remember that God puts people in our lives for a purpose and sometimes their purpose is only temporary. The ones who walked away easily are the temporary ones. I know that other friendships will be repaired in time.
To get back on topic of the purpose of my weight loss journey...

I have lost 170 pounds to date and am currently wearing a size 10. It is still crazy to me. I feel amazing and have tons of energy and confidence but there are times when I am walking down the middle of the mall and I still feel like the biggest girl. No matter how much weight you lose, this is a hard thing to get out of your head. I have to look at myself in passing mirrors to realize that I am no longer that girl I was just two short years ago.

I am also starting to discover who I really am. I mean, now that I don't have anyone to take care of or look after other than my cat...I can finally focus on myself. I have to rediscover what I like and don't like. Seriously...we get so accustomed to liking certain things because our spouses or kids like them that we forget what WE actually like. For instance - I like to go places that are not Disney related and do not involve a slot machine. For a while there, I was beginning to think such places didn't exist.

One of my good friends and I like to ride our bikes so one weekend, we packed them up in her boyfriend's truck and drove over to the coast to ride them on the beach. Yes...actually on the beach. We went to Morrow Bay and rode them around Morrow Rock, through downtown, and interrupted a flock of pelicans in the park. Then we headed down to Pismo Beach where we rode them on the beach, through the water, and under the pier. I missed my Sunday football game but it was well worth it.

Pismo 1
Riding under the pier at Pismo

Pismo 2
Riding my bike on the beach at Pismo...

The following weekend, my best friend flew down from Washington to spend the weekend with me. I picked her up in LA and we spent Friday night down there. On Saturday, we drove the 101 to Pismo Beach, hit the outlet mall, and then made our way downtown to hit Harry's (a must see dive bar in Pismo).

It was there at Harry's that I met a man who forever changed my life. I know that sounds corny but he did. We talked for several hours about various things and we had a great time. After the bar closed, we continued our conversation under the pier until 4am. It wasn't until we were walking back up to the car (holding hands) when he stopped, pulled me near, looked at me and said "tell me what to do" (stay with me or go back). I turned my head and looked down as I said "I don't give orders, I take them". He leaned in, grasped my chin, looked me dead in the eyes and said "Not anymore darlin', you are free from all that now". I stood there with chills running up my spine thinking to myself "who is this guy?"...but there I was...standing in silence...blushing, looking him straight in his blue eyes, with a smile on my lips and a light of hope in my eyes...and for the first time, I was rendered speechless...then he kissed me...tenderly, sweetly, all the while cupping my cheeks in his hands.

His kiss wasn't what changed me though. It was his words. "Not any more darlin', you are free from all that now". It has been nearly a month since that incredible night but his words are still echoing in my head. Yes, I am free from all that. I am free from the lies. The lies I was being told and the lies I was living. They no longer had a hold of me and I have to thank God for placing that man in my life to pass on His message. I am free from orders and control. I can do whatever I want including making the decision of who I allow in my heart....and I have an angel named Garnet (who rides a Harley) to thank for that.

Here are a few pictures to catch you up on my progress:

Mammas New Gun
Mamma's got a new toy...

Garnets Harley
Me on Garnet's Harley.

Current Pic
My current pic...



New Leathers
Sportin' some new leather pants...
New Shoes
Feelin' my girly self in these shoes...
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