Because I have this crazy idea...

When people ask me "Why a documentary?", I explain it's because I have this crazy idea that my purpose is bigger than me.

I love helping others reach their goals and if sharing my story can inspire and motivate just one person then this whole project will have been worth it.

Going through this process has been tedious, emotional, and editing video is an extremely daunting task. I love it though. I'm growing and learning more about myself.

We still have one more interview to complete and then we can proceed to final assembly. Once complete, the documentary will be submitted to multiple distributors in hopes of it being picked up by at least one. Who knows where it will actually end up but I have big dreams of it being available to the world on various Video On Demand platforms.

It's been a lot of baby steps to get to where I am at this point in my journey and I am pretty proud of how far I have come in the last five years. Some people think that's conceited. I like to think it's inspiring.

I hope you enjoy the updated preview clips below.

Preview 1


Preview 2


Preview 3

THIS is who I am...Defining Myself, Part 2

Three and a half years ago, my most popular post, "Defining Myself", was published. I was at a very different point in my life when I generated that first list. My eyes were wide open to so many possibilities. After just coming out of a violently abusive and controlled marriage, I reclaimed the parts of me that I allowed to be buried for the sake of others and I never looked back. 

Here it is three and a half years later, and despite the heartbreak I recently endured after my second husband told me he wanted a divorce because I gained weight, I am still holding strong to who I am as a person, I still do not defend anything that helps define who I am, and my eyes are still wide open.

It has only been two months since my divorce has been finalized but I think I am ready to open my eyes a little wider to the possibility of dating...and that scares the heck out of me.

Why?

Because I know that not everyone can handle my heartfelt truths and some may confuse my expressed emotions with being complicated or dramatic.

• I'm not perfect. 
• I over think. 
• I over analyze.
• I live in the moment but I question everything.
• I worry about things I have no control over (I am actually trying to work on this one).
• I'm part German and part Italian, which means I am stubborn and have a hot temper.
• I'm also Canadian (dual Can/Am citizen) so the flip side of the above is I am quick to apologize and I will apologize for things I haven't even done wrong.
• I still have fluffy thighs. I always will...no matter how many squats I do. I refer to them as Pete and Repeat. I apologize for them too.
• Because I am also American, I yell at (and sometimes flip off) idiot drivers on the road, freeway, or parking lots.
• I don't always talk like a lady. Especially after leg day!!
• I do not look cute after a workout and I know my clothes stink but I'll still stop at the grocery store on my way home. I don't care - I've got stuff to do.
• If I know I'm right about something, I will argue with you until I am blue in the face. However - as much as I don't like it, I will admit when I'm wrong.
• I am not high maintenance in the physical sense but I greatly appreciate reassurance in the feelings department.
• I'm loyal, patient, and very forgiving...unless you push me to the point where I no longer care. If I reach that point, all I can say is - when I'm done...I'm done...and you'll definitely know it.

I don't list these things because I think they are wrong or because I want to change them. I list them because they are part of who I am.

Losing weight gave me the confidence to embrace every side of me. Good, bad, and indifferent. After I got sick and gained back some weight, I started to lose sight of everything I had grown to embrace about myself.

Once I got back into the gym and held myself accountable, I felt like I was "home" again.

Some people go their whole lives without embracing their strengths and weaknesses. For me, it took losing 170 pounds and escaping a violent marriage before I embraced mine and I am not afraid to admit where I fall short - which in an odd way is actually a strength because not many people are willing to admit their faults.

I share my feelings and I say what's in my heart without much contemplation. Does that make me complicated? If I look at who I am as a person, I think I'm a fairly simple girl. 

• If I miss you - I'll let you know
• If I want to meet up with you - I'll invite you
• If I feel misunderstood - I'll explain
• If I have a question - I'll ask
• If I don't like something - I'll say it (politely)
• If I like something - I'll proclaim it
• If I want something - I'll ask for it (or get it myself)
• If I love you - I'll tell you

It doesn't get much more simpler than that.

To quote myself from my "Superwoman" post...

"For as long as I can remember, I have been a very strong woman.
I am determined.
I am persistent.
I push though and persevere.
If I want something, I’m not afraid to go after it.
I am not afraid to speak up or offer my opinion.
I don't let anyone stand in my way.
I am the girl who, despite wanting to fall down on the ground kicking and screaming, will look you dead in the eye and with a smile on my face will tell you that everything is good."

Again - these things define who I am. I will always wake up and choose to be happy. Even when I'm having a bad day and tears freely fall from my eyes, I will always manage a smile because I know that the moment will pass and I will keep fighting.

I was scrolling through Facebook last weekend and I came across this awesome story that I absolutely love and adore about Collin Clarke - a bodybuilder who just happens to have Down Syndrome. 

While the story doesn't define who I am, what Collin says at the end of the video defines how I am built.


In Collins words: "Never give up. When a challenge comes to you, you gotta overcome all the odds. Yeah, it might get hard. It might hurt. But you gotta keep fighting. You gotta keep pushing with everything you got."

I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am persistent, determined and loyal. I push the limits of everything I do with everything I've got.

THIS is who I am.

A very good friend recently told me that I am truly an amazingly wonderful woman and any man on earth would be lucky to have me on his side.

I know his words are true. And, whoever I date will appreciate me...just as I am.

I got this...

Limits are meant to be pushed!

Yoda wisdom is something I wish I had instilled in me. 

I am starting this post off with an apology to my readers. Between work and life, I've been going Mach II with my hair on fire since my last post nearly two months ago.

It started in March with a trip to Vegas to celebrate my son's birthday (and my divorce) and I didn't slow down until a week ago after I returned from an eight-day road trip to Phoenix. Outside of work, the only thing I had time to squeeze in was my gym time, even while on the road. Y'all know that the gym is my happy place and it's what held me together when all I wanted to do was run and hide.

These past several months, Yoda has been whispering his various quotes in my ear. Even if you are not a fan of Star Wars, you should appreciate that fictional little green guru's wisdom.

When it comes to working out, I am a firm "do or do not, there is no try" believer. There comes a time when you have to stop planning, stop thinking, stop contemplating, and just start doing. I've been rockin' the cardio since October and combined with the right diet, I have lost nearly 60 pounds in the last six months. I have reached the point in my fitness journey that I need to step it up a notch so this week I added weight training to my routine.

Now, if you've been following me for a while you know I don't do anything lightly. I'm more of a "go big or don't go at all" kind of girl. I don't like to half-ass anything, even mistakes. LOL.

I am starting my weight training with a three-day upper/lower body split. As I get stronger, I will increase to a four-day split working my way to a five. What is a three-day split? Basically, I rotate through three weight training workouts each week where each muscle group is trained once every 4th or 5th day. I'm a newbie at weights so until I gain a little strength and skill, I am only doing three sets of 8-12 reps of six different exercises in each group. For instance, this past week my schedule was as follows:

• Monday - Back and Biceps
• Lat pull-down with wide grip
• Seated row
• Bent over row
• Reverse peck deck flyes
• Standing bicep curls with a curl bar
• Supinating bicep curls, alternating
• Wednesday - Chest, Shoulders, and Triceps
• Dumbbell press
• Incline dumbbell flyes
• Peck deck flyes
• Military dumbbell press
• Tricep extension
• Tricep kickbacks
• Friday - Legs
• Squats
• Bulgarian split lunges
• Romanian deadlift
• Leg extensions
• Leg curls
• Calf raises (leg press / calf machine superset)

Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday are still dedicated to the StairMaster and my beloved rowing machine. Sundays are my rest days.

One of my friends at the gym put the above plan together for me because I know nothing about weight lifting and had NO clue where to start. One of the trainers at the gym graciously worked out with me on each of my "first" days to make sure I knew how to perform each exercise and had proper form to avoid injury.

Monday and Wednesday were challenging (because of the whole breathing and counting thing - more on this later) but nothing I couldn't handle. By Thursday, my arms and shoulders were so sore I could barely get them over my head. However - in my true style, I mostly just giggled through the pain. Okay...I might have dropped a few F-bombs.

Now...I am not going to lie to y'all. Today is Saturday. Which means that yesterday was leg day. Do you remember when I first started the StairMaster and I thought I was going to die because my thighs felt like they were on fire? Yeah...that has NOTHIN' on leg day. This morning's workout was brutal because my legs were still shaking. I was only able to get through 60 of my usual 90-minute session. Even right now, at this very moment, 24-hours after I finished leg day...my thighs could still very well spontaneously combust. Yet - I am still giggling (and dropping F-bombs) through the pain.

I can honestly say that there is more to weight lifting than just lifting a weight. You have to stand, sit, or lay in a certain way and you have to breathe properly. When I do my cardio, I just have to keep going at whatever exercise I'm doing. When lifting weights, you do a lot of counting. Not just counting your reps but you have to count how fast you lift the weight, hold the weight, and lower the weight. Who knew there was so much math involved?

The weight lifting lingo is also foreign - tempo and tension, eccentric and concentric, isolated and compound movements, the list goes on. And then there is the whole breathing thing. Exhale when you are using the muscle, except when you are doing squats, then it's the opposite. Aaaahhhh - so much to remember but Yoda's wisdom once again got me through - "You must unlearn what you have learned." Learning is a HUGE part of fitness. We learn what works and what doesn't. But mostly, we learn where our efforts really pay off because nothing worthwhile doesn't come without effort.

Limits are meant to be pushed and I am the queen at pushing them (just ask anyone who has ever met me...LOL).

Why? Because that is how progress is made.

You will never know your limits until you push yourself to them. And then you push a little harder.

I've still got this!

What Little Changes Can Do

When I was in my 20's, I subconsciously thrived on stress and drama. I was attracted to it. I got caught up in various television Soap Opera's. Was glued to the news channels for hours during a disaster story. I always had to know the latest drama going on at work or in other people's lives. 

For whatever reason, I needed to feel like I was a part of it all and because "like attracts like", I surrounded myself with people who were full of drama and stress. And, what goes hand in hand with that? Negativity! Also known as, life's biggest energy sucker.

Even though I thrived on stress, I was always a positive person. I was the one that would tell you that the glass was half full.

It wasn't until I started associated myself with positive people and situations that I realized how much control I had over my own happiness and opportunities that surround me.

I have since grown into the person that will drink the glass of water while others continue to argue over how full it is because life is too short to argue over one's personal perception. But, challenge me when I know I am right, and it's totally "game on". HA!

Don't get me wrong. As optimistic as I am, I have found myself in plenty of stressful and negative situations but how I choose to respond is of my own doing. I just try really hard to not allow anyone to dictate my emotions. I allow myself to be sad, mad, angry, or happy. And, it's OK to feel sad (for a moment). It's OK to be mad. More importantly, it's OK to be happy.

There is nothing naive about being happy or positive. Most negative people perceive positive people as being naive because we aren't focused on what could go wrong.

While I am aware of the risks I take, I choose to focus on what can go right. Where is the wrong in that?

And, I do not dare let anyone tell me that I can't do something for myself. Tell me I can't achieve something and I'll show you I can.

I use my inner motivational speaker to push myself to succeed in everything I do. Whether it's a tough project at work or my effort level in the gym, I can talk myself into finishing whatever I start.

Last Sunday, I decided to push myself a little harder at the gym because a bigger effort = bigger results. So, I added an extra 10 minutes to the StairMaster at a slightly faster speed for a total of 30 minutes. I also increased my time on the rowing machine from 60 minutes to 65.

Yes, that is a mere 15-minute addition. 

Nothing to call the news stations about but at the end of the week, that 15 minutes per day (x7 days) added up to an additional 1 hour and 45 minutes of kicking ass in the gym. 

That extra effort has made a difference on the scale because when I weighed myself this morning, I was excited (more like shocked) to see that I had lost FOUR pounds this week, bringing my total weight loss to 35 pounds since October.

Other than changing the brand of protein shake I drink, I didn't eat anything differently. I am still consuming 1 gram of protein a day per pound of my target body weight. I am still drinking the same amount of water each day (which is half my body weight in ounces).

I can only attribute those four pounds to the additional 15 minutes of time.

When I started back in the gym just three months ago, I knew that my body would lose the first few pounds fairly quick because I hadn't worked out for more than two years. I was right because the first ten pounds practically fell off.

It took a month to build enough stamina to maintain an hour on the rowing machine and 20 minutes on the Stairmaster. My body became stronger and my muscles more leaner. Kind of goes along with that saying of, "Life isn't getting easier, I'm just getting stronger."

However, after two months of the same routine, my body became accustomed to same daily level of physical stress and my weight loss slowed down. It needed a little more stress to trigger muscle stimulation so last Sunday I granted it's wish.

I didn't add new moves or workouts to my routine. 

I didn't add some latest fitness craze piece of machinery, equipment, or pill to swallow. 

I simply pushed myself a little harder than I did the week before. 

15 minutes harder.

Did I die? No. 

Was I still breathing in the end? Yes.

It was just a little change that made a four pound difference.

I said goodbye to my days of thiving on stress years ago and I cannot stand drama. The only stress I like to feel these days is the stress of my muscles working.

Say goodbye to old habits, negative people, and nay-sayers. 

Chase your dreams. 

Achieve your goals. 

Add another 15 minutes to whatever is important to you.

Do not settle for anything less than what you want to achieve. In relationships, work, or just life in general. 

If you are brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello. 

I got this! You got this!